So I finally got the Jillian Michaels DVD and some 5lb hand weights that I've been wanting to get. Let me tell you she kicked my ass and made me her bitch. But Im on day 2 of the 30 day shred. My arms are quavering a bit, my abs are pounding in pain and my legs are derpy. Getting back in shape. Lets see how I feel in 28 days....
On another note, I got a call from my coworker saying I had to be at work at a different time...at a different place. I show up there, AND IM TRAINING SOME NEW GUY IN A DIFFERENT STORE I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT. Whatever broski, I got this :P. Its a shell gas station with a subway inside. Busty black girl working the corner and we are both busy and we chat a bit here and there. As she is going out to leave I quickly hand her my number and say "Take this" she looks down, smirks, and walks off nonchalant. An hour later she texts me back and I found out shes a lesbian, haha win some lose some I guess. The other girl working there is cute, petite and mixed(black and white I think). We chat for a bit and as she is getting ready to go I walk up to her and say "Hey, I like you. Can I have your number?" she responds "What? Are you serious?" I just replied "Yes". She gives it to me and we've been texting and going on a date friday night. Also shes a gamer. What in the capital fuck.
SUPER POWER UNLOCKED.
MELT TEENAGE GIRLS WITH EYES.
So I'm working the register at this shell and this cute 16-17 year old girl comes in. I'm always practicing looking people in the eyes and seeing she is too young for me its not intimidating cause I'm not interested. I smile, ask how she is and if thats everything she wants. I'm looking into her eyes and she starts to get flustered which makes me smirk a bit cause I know what its like when someone you are attracted to is looking at you unabashadly. Its flattering but uncformatable as hell. Anyway she leaves. But comes back in a minute later and when she sees me and we make eye contact again. The best way to describe it is she melted. Like bordlerline SWOONING, melted. I've never had the naked desire so prevelant in a girls eyes when she looks at me. I hope to never forget this moment, its validation saying "I CAN BE DESIRED". The demon inside me tells me no one will like me, but I know its not true.
Nofap 27 days.
Workout 2 days.
Pornfree 27 days(Accidently saw some, not looking for it specifically)
Kpop Addiction is back.
Thursday, September 06, 2012
Thursday, August 30, 2012
What it all has in common..
Star calling. Coral clothing. Yummy midnight snacks. All those memories, all those feelings fade with time. I was never in love. I just wanted to be. Last two days I've been having weird feelings of dread and depression. As such my mind brings up a plethora of memories that expound upon my sadness. I'm not actually sad, but my body and mind is cleansing and is looking for anything to keep my old mindset. I don't know.
A bubble appears before me and it is mesmerizing. But it's fleeting. It will disappear into the wind or dissipate at the slightest touch. I enjoyed it while it lasted.
A bubble appears before me and it is mesmerizing. But it's fleeting. It will disappear into the wind or dissipate at the slightest touch. I enjoyed it while it lasted.
Thursday, July 19, 2012
Interesting read
We’ve all been there… You can’t stop thinking about that special someone, your emotions start to race when you’re with them and the next thing you know you can’t figure out how you lived your life without them. We start to fantasize about life with them and begin to wonder if they are “The One.”
The first 6-12 months of a relationship are often referred to as the “honeymoon stage” because our emotions are in overdrive as the feel good chemicals in our brains are working overtime in response to this new budding relationship. This is the stage of a relationship where he or she can do no wrong. This perfect angel is doing all the right things and soon you wonder how can you live without them?
I like relationships and I believe they can teach us a lot about ourselves and strengthen us. I keep an open mind when it comes to love but often times our perceptions of love disappoints us. I believe we are disappointed because we were told a lie that has infested our culture, society and homes. That lie is that somewhere out there is a soul mate for you and when you find them, that’s the person you are supposed to be with. This ideology is rooted in loneliness, fear and insecurity.
We approach relationships with the notion that this person will complete us and take away our loneliness. We approach love thinking that love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. These misconceptions lead us to search for that “one” person somewhere out there who we will have our fairytale ended with. The problem with this is that fairytales end for a reason. No one wants to see Cinderella 10 or 15 years later fighting with Prince Charming over who is going to bring the kids to soccer practice.
I ask people all the time about what they want out of their relationships with members of the opposite sex and most everyone wants to find that special someone and settle down. I agree. I want to believe in the happily ever after where the husband and wife go off to live in their new house and raise children but with a divorce rate over 50% and people not understanding the work it takes to keep a relationship together I become skeptical.
Why?
Imagine for a moment that you haven’t eaten in many days. The feeling of hunger grinds away at you and all of a sudden a person holding a juicy steak dinner walks by you. The smell permeates your senses and you begin to salivate. You could be in the middle of a deep conversation with someone but if you sense that steak dinner your attention goes to that steak.
Now imagine you are full. You have eaten a huge meal and then someone with a steak dinner comes walking by you again. You won’t even pay attention because your need for food has been fulfilled. This analogy represents the relationships between scarcity and abundance.
When it comes to our dating lives, if we have no options, we will take the first thing that comes our way and then mistake that neediness for love.
If we are starved for partners we tend to project a higher value on them then if we had an abundance of people in our lives we could choose from. This is why our neediness clouds our judgments and becomes a frame that alters our perception of the people we come in contact with. If we have multiple choices we will make our decisions based on what is best not the first thing that comes our way.
Until you attain meaningful, consistent success in your dating life with the type of person you desire, you through your own inexperience will limit your ability to find the type of person you want and sustain a healthy relationship.
I don’t believe in the concept that there is “the one” for everyone out there. I believe that there are many “the one’s” No one girl or guy is the only one for you. There is no soul mate….
… There are soul mateS
Scarcity breeds obsession. When you do not have a healthy dating life and have no potential partners you tend to fixate yourself on that one person who shows you interest. You analyze them, ask for expert advice, talk about them with your friends and stalk their facebook in hopes to find out something you can do to “get them.” When scarcity becomes a part of your life then obsessive behavior is sure to follow. This scarcity also lies to us because it tells us that by not doing these behaviors we will never stand a chance, but the irony is by doing these behaviors we cause ourselves great suffering and ruin any chance of developing anything with that person. Neediness is the most unattractive quality one can possess but scarcity thrives off of it.
Scarcity continues to lie to us because it tells us that these feelings we have are “special” and that there is no one like this girl. We tell our friends the same lie adding to the illusion. The truth is that you’re feelings for this person is the exact definition of common. If you don’t believe me turn on the radio or watch any movie ever made. Every other person out there thinks that their crush is special and unique…
… and they are unique…just like everyone else.
I believe in love but not the way that we were raised to think that love exists. I believe that love is when your want for each other exceeds your need for each other. Far too many times people mistake neediness for love. They settle for a woman because they believe that is the best they can get. They don’t accrue much experience with women so they have an idea of what they want and what they can get and these parallels rarely match up. We could write a million books about love but for each of us love will be different.
What causes us such great suffering is not love… but the idea of love. The mindset that “she is the best you can get” and “she is so special” will hold you back from being your perfect self every time. Your partnership simply needs to be like a key and a lock, a match that fits. You must accrue experience with different types of partners to know what you want and don’t want. Find what you want and what you don’t want through experience and then return with the wisdom to discern if this is love.
http://www.nsscoaching.com/blog/getting-rid-of-neediness-once-and-for-all/
The first 6-12 months of a relationship are often referred to as the “honeymoon stage” because our emotions are in overdrive as the feel good chemicals in our brains are working overtime in response to this new budding relationship. This is the stage of a relationship where he or she can do no wrong. This perfect angel is doing all the right things and soon you wonder how can you live without them?
I like relationships and I believe they can teach us a lot about ourselves and strengthen us. I keep an open mind when it comes to love but often times our perceptions of love disappoints us. I believe we are disappointed because we were told a lie that has infested our culture, society and homes. That lie is that somewhere out there is a soul mate for you and when you find them, that’s the person you are supposed to be with. This ideology is rooted in loneliness, fear and insecurity.
We approach relationships with the notion that this person will complete us and take away our loneliness. We approach love thinking that love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. These misconceptions lead us to search for that “one” person somewhere out there who we will have our fairytale ended with. The problem with this is that fairytales end for a reason. No one wants to see Cinderella 10 or 15 years later fighting with Prince Charming over who is going to bring the kids to soccer practice.
I ask people all the time about what they want out of their relationships with members of the opposite sex and most everyone wants to find that special someone and settle down. I agree. I want to believe in the happily ever after where the husband and wife go off to live in their new house and raise children but with a divorce rate over 50% and people not understanding the work it takes to keep a relationship together I become skeptical.
Why?
Imagine for a moment that you haven’t eaten in many days. The feeling of hunger grinds away at you and all of a sudden a person holding a juicy steak dinner walks by you. The smell permeates your senses and you begin to salivate. You could be in the middle of a deep conversation with someone but if you sense that steak dinner your attention goes to that steak.
Now imagine you are full. You have eaten a huge meal and then someone with a steak dinner comes walking by you again. You won’t even pay attention because your need for food has been fulfilled. This analogy represents the relationships between scarcity and abundance.
When it comes to our dating lives, if we have no options, we will take the first thing that comes our way and then mistake that neediness for love.
If we are starved for partners we tend to project a higher value on them then if we had an abundance of people in our lives we could choose from. This is why our neediness clouds our judgments and becomes a frame that alters our perception of the people we come in contact with. If we have multiple choices we will make our decisions based on what is best not the first thing that comes our way.
Until you attain meaningful, consistent success in your dating life with the type of person you desire, you through your own inexperience will limit your ability to find the type of person you want and sustain a healthy relationship.
I don’t believe in the concept that there is “the one” for everyone out there. I believe that there are many “the one’s” No one girl or guy is the only one for you. There is no soul mate….
… There are soul mateS
Scarcity breeds obsession. When you do not have a healthy dating life and have no potential partners you tend to fixate yourself on that one person who shows you interest. You analyze them, ask for expert advice, talk about them with your friends and stalk their facebook in hopes to find out something you can do to “get them.” When scarcity becomes a part of your life then obsessive behavior is sure to follow. This scarcity also lies to us because it tells us that by not doing these behaviors we will never stand a chance, but the irony is by doing these behaviors we cause ourselves great suffering and ruin any chance of developing anything with that person. Neediness is the most unattractive quality one can possess but scarcity thrives off of it.
Scarcity continues to lie to us because it tells us that these feelings we have are “special” and that there is no one like this girl. We tell our friends the same lie adding to the illusion. The truth is that you’re feelings for this person is the exact definition of common. If you don’t believe me turn on the radio or watch any movie ever made. Every other person out there thinks that their crush is special and unique…
… and they are unique…just like everyone else.
I believe in love but not the way that we were raised to think that love exists. I believe that love is when your want for each other exceeds your need for each other. Far too many times people mistake neediness for love. They settle for a woman because they believe that is the best they can get. They don’t accrue much experience with women so they have an idea of what they want and what they can get and these parallels rarely match up. We could write a million books about love but for each of us love will be different.
What causes us such great suffering is not love… but the idea of love. The mindset that “she is the best you can get” and “she is so special” will hold you back from being your perfect self every time. Your partnership simply needs to be like a key and a lock, a match that fits. You must accrue experience with different types of partners to know what you want and don’t want. Find what you want and what you don’t want through experience and then return with the wisdom to discern if this is love.
http://www.nsscoaching.com/blog/getting-rid-of-neediness-once-and-for-all/
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Marcus Aurelius
But among the things readiest to thy hand to which thou shalt turn, let there be these, which are two. One is that things do not touch the soul, for they are external and remain immovable; but our perturbations come only from the opinion which is within. The other is that all these things, which thou seest, change immediately and will no longer be; and constantly bear in mind how many of these changes thou hast already witnessed. The universe is transformation; life is opinion.
This is pretty moving to me. I look at this quote and it brings to my attention that I am in control as to how everything and everyone affects me. I have allowed myself to get hurt and it's only on me as to how I feel about everything. When I let her affect my emotions, when I let my craving for love consume me I lost track of my own self. I can not let my emotions control me, but I should still listen to what they have to say. I am by no means perfect, and Ill never be, but in order to continue pursuing tranquility and peace within myself, I can not let other people and events sway my mind. I am not an animal that craves a constant stream of happiness or attention. I will not let the animal control me.
I owe Linda nothing and she owes me nothing. I am responsible for my actions and reactions just as she is responsible for hers.
I haven't looked at her tumblr or twitter in 11 days now. I don't need to. I don't need to know what is going on in her life because I only should worry about myself and seek self improvement. It doesn't mean that I don't think about her a lot, but I'm thinking of her less and less everyday. My mind feels clear and is sharp. If its something I crave then I am letting myself down by giving in. Until I no longer care one way or another then I am not ready to face it.
I plan to look back on my life when I am on my deathbed and enjoy it a second time from my memory.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Journal #3
I'm starting back. On day 3 from nofap. I lost a lot of motivation after I hurt my back and then I fapped again. Past week I've been making sure to stretch my back and try and have good posture. Finally ran again after 7 or 8 days I think. Feels really fucking good.
I still think about Linda multiple times a day However! I just tell myself "one day at a time" and I focus on something else. I havent looked at her tumblr or twitter in 6 days and I'm going to wait another 25 days to check it. I've started to meditate a few minutes a day. I am down to 205.4 pounds as of yesterday. Co worker is starting to try and lose weight and I hope she sticks to it! However 2 of my coworkers are in denial saying that they are happy being morbidly obese. Very sad but I can't try and tell them otherwise cause its a personal thing. They blame it on a thyroid problem but I believe it's just laziness. Anyway that's today :)
I still think about Linda multiple times a day However! I just tell myself "one day at a time" and I focus on something else. I havent looked at her tumblr or twitter in 6 days and I'm going to wait another 25 days to check it. I've started to meditate a few minutes a day. I am down to 205.4 pounds as of yesterday. Co worker is starting to try and lose weight and I hope she sticks to it! However 2 of my coworkers are in denial saying that they are happy being morbidly obese. Very sad but I can't try and tell them otherwise cause its a personal thing. They blame it on a thyroid problem but I believe it's just laziness. Anyway that's today :)
Monday, July 09, 2012
Journal Entry #2
So I had a rough couple days physically. Today is Monday. I woke up Friday afternoon around 7pm I think. Maybe 8. Went to work 10pm-6am. Got home and fell asleep around 8am. I woke up at 10am and went through my day until work again from 10pm to 6am. I ended up spending around 19 dollars on energy drinks/energy pills cigarettes and a slimjim. I didn't eat anything bad at this point. Got home and went to bed at 830am and woke up at 1030am. Went to pick up my friend 45minutes away and went to my DnD game from 1230pm to 7pm. It went pretty good. Drove my friend back home and then went to my moms and passed out around 830pm. That was a long past couple days. Out of 48 hours I had around 4 hours of sleep. Anyway I got a call from my sister last night and she told me she didn't need me to come to her court hearing and so I didn't go. Well lo and behold she went to jail~ luckily its only for 11 days until her next hearing. We are praying she gets put on a thing similar to house arrest.
After I woke up I started browsing dating sites which led to me looking at some pics of some hotties. Which led to me watching some porn. Which led me to fapping. I knew I didn't want to but I did. I'm not really feeling the negative effects as of now, but tomorrow I probably will. 2 more weeks until I am back to tip top mental shape. I have to hang in there. I need to work on my meditation and do that instead of thinking about fapping or women. Anyway. Thats it for right now.
After I woke up I started browsing dating sites which led to me looking at some pics of some hotties. Which led to me watching some porn. Which led me to fapping. I knew I didn't want to but I did. I'm not really feeling the negative effects as of now, but tomorrow I probably will. 2 more weeks until I am back to tip top mental shape. I have to hang in there. I need to work on my meditation and do that instead of thinking about fapping or women. Anyway. Thats it for right now.
Saturday, July 07, 2012
Journal Entry #1
Back is starting to feel better. I haven't gotten to run, but I will tonight.
I did some pushups, squats, sungods, donkey kicks while at work
Went through the whole night without going to someones social site.
Used a card that said "One day at a time" and looked at it to focus on the now as opposed to the past or future.
Didn't eat any sugar snacks where I have been eating them for the past 5 days
Weight loss progress not where I want it to be. Working at it
Flirted with a 40 year old the other night. Felt good.
Talked to some pretty girls during work and got some real nice smiles from all of them
Ate under my calories.
Focusing on setting daily things to do list such as this.
Going to a party thing today at 4:30 for reddit
Drank too much soda at work and at home(Diet)
Smoked too many cigarettes at work
Didn't compliment a couple women I wanted to. Still had eye contact with them.
Showered and brushed my teeth
Talked to Frank from the headhunters about finding me a job. He found one but its in boston and only pays 40k starting off which is the equivelant to 21k in alabama. Thats not enough to get a house. Still interested in looking at it if they could bump my pay to 60k+
Need to prettify my resume for Frank, and finish my Resume data on the website for Micron.
Need to work on my posterior pelvic tilt
I did some pushups, squats, sungods, donkey kicks while at work
Went through the whole night without going to someones social site.
Used a card that said "One day at a time" and looked at it to focus on the now as opposed to the past or future.
Didn't eat any sugar snacks where I have been eating them for the past 5 days
Weight loss progress not where I want it to be. Working at it
Flirted with a 40 year old the other night. Felt good.
Talked to some pretty girls during work and got some real nice smiles from all of them
Ate under my calories.
Focusing on setting daily things to do list such as this.
Going to a party thing today at 4:30 for reddit
Drank too much soda at work and at home(Diet)
Smoked too many cigarettes at work
Didn't compliment a couple women I wanted to. Still had eye contact with them.
Showered and brushed my teeth
Talked to Frank from the headhunters about finding me a job. He found one but its in boston and only pays 40k starting off which is the equivelant to 21k in alabama. Thats not enough to get a house. Still interested in looking at it if they could bump my pay to 60k+
Need to prettify my resume for Frank, and finish my Resume data on the website for Micron.
Need to work on my posterior pelvic tilt
Monday, July 02, 2012
Getting on~
Way to much non-me time recently. Got to get back to the basics.
Ran for 34 minutes yesterday.
Uploading resume.
Gonna probably hit up a club on next weekend if I have time.
Down to 209.0 as of yesterday.
Back is sore so taking today off for recovery.
Cute girl was very interested in me at work. I didn't even do anything different. Guess my manliness pays off :P.
Ran for 34 minutes yesterday.
Uploading resume.
Gonna probably hit up a club on next weekend if I have time.
Down to 209.0 as of yesterday.
Back is sore so taking today off for recovery.
Cute girl was very interested in me at work. I didn't even do anything different. Guess my manliness pays off :P.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Even more disappointed lol
So I finally talk to that girl again. Found out why she broke up with her boyfriend and stop talking to me. She met a guy and is already wanting to get married after 3 weeks. Absolute stupidity. Its a relief now since I can focus more on me and not on her at all. She played me and she is about to get played by a real player. He's gonna drop her so quick. I'm upset with myself for getting so emotionally connected to her, but it was fun so I came out on top. However she abandoned my friendship by diving into a BS relationship. She has no idea he doesn't care for her at all. Sadly shes gonna feel how I felt in a couple weeks. I deleted all of my pictures of her, removed my facebook and blocked her from skype. Haha, she claimed that she was breaking up with him so he could find someone to make him happy. That was bullshit, she just wanted that other guy and was trying to rationalize it to herself. I'm glad it came out though before I got even more involved with her. Otherwise I'd be the one shes leaving for some random guy. I'm going to get a job soon that is going to be awesome and I can really start to live my life. I don't need this GIRL to be on my mind and now she won't be. This should be the last post about her and I hope it is.
Time to focus on ME.
Time to focus on ME.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
This isn't my world. DISSAPOINTED!
So I've said I fell for a girl I met online. I never meant to and I don't believe in long distance relationships. I posted that she broke up with her boyfriend. I posted that she started school. Since even before she broke up with him she had started to talk to me less and less. Which is fine of course, as she is her own person and I am not reliant on other people to make me happy. Anyway I am disappointed in myself because I haven't been able to get over her. It is starting to become clear that she probably doesn't want anything to do with me. It hurts, but I'll get over it. Now for the past couple weeks I have been available for her to talk to and she hasn't been talking to me. The irrational part of my brain is saying she is done with me and the rational part says she wants space. So I act on the rational part of my brain and only text her every once in a while and I'm not mad or upset she doesn't text me back. She has a life outside of me and I've accepted that. However now the irrational part of my brain that says she either broke up with him for a short term and got back to gether with him, or she never broke up with him in the first place has proven it has some merit. I see she is going out to lunch with him tomorrow. I'm not upset she is still with him(if she even is) I am more upset that she hasn't said anything to me. I wanted to talk to her last weekend about it but she told me she didn't want to talk so I respected her wishes. Maybe I shouldn't have who knows. I didn't chat with her about it on texts(which she has been texting me a tiny bit more) because it is too personal and I don't want my words to come out in the wrong light. She called my texting number, which I couldn't answer, and she didn't say anything about it after she texts me. So I am disappointed in myself and I am disappointed in her. I thought I knew more about her, I guess I was wrong. She had an issue with friends only lasting one year and then disappearing from her life...I think its the other way around now. Yeah, I miss the fuck out of talking to her. I miss being mentally and spiritually intimate with her. I'll have to find someone else I suppose. Maybe she will eventually break up with him, but he is a constant in her life, even if he isn't good for her. He manages his life based on her reactions AFAIK. A man should never be that reliant on a woman. He is a boy, she is a girl, and I am a man. She will be in my heart forever as she is the first girl I've ever felt this way for, but she won't be in my mind. I won't let another person influence me to that extent.
Monday, June 25, 2012
I think
Someone just thought of me. My heart just had a feeling of joy? I don't know how to describe it. Like when a girl you like smiles at you...the butterflies and all of that. So weird.
Edit--Might be I'm gonna have a heart attack and my bad eating habits from the past are catching up to me. like to believe its the former though.
Edit--Might be I'm gonna have a heart attack and my bad eating habits from the past are catching up to me. like to believe its the former though.
Friday, June 22, 2012
Life goals for the next 5ish years
Hey people, so last night I was at work and didn't take my phone so I was much more productive.
Besides that I listed my daily routine for getting stuff done and made a list of my goals and physically wrote them down. I am going to transcribe them on here for future reference for once I lose this sheet of paper.
The first thing I will do, is post up my reasons for NoFap
Much Love,
Josh
Besides that I listed my daily routine for getting stuff done and made a list of my goals and physically wrote them down. I am going to transcribe them on here for future reference for once I lose this sheet of paper.
The first thing I will do, is post up my reasons for NoFap
- Help Kick my other addictions, to include internet usage, and needing gratification from others to make myself feel better.
- Increase my motivation to do productive stuff and allow myself to dedicate my time towards it. AKA Delayed Gratification over Instant Gratification.
- Increased Social skills, to improve my social and mental health.
- Increased Sexual performance and desire for women and not just a way to get off. Being with a woman and not fucking. Making love over fucking.
- Become my own man. Self Reliance, Self Respect, Self Love.
- Complete my resume(For Micron, Head Hunters, and for Government Jobs)
- Complete my Title paperwork to get the title on my car put in my name
- Exercise(Couch to 5k, 100 pushups, Jillian Micheals "30 day Shred")
- Balance Budget and actually manage my money
- Stop smoking by August 1st, 2012
- Start Saving Money
- Get a GREAT job
- Lose 70lbs by 12/21/2012---34.4 pounds down as of today
- Get Toned by April 29, 2013
- Buy a house by the time I am 28 years old.
- Start College
- Get a Wife
- Go to Illinois and attend Catie's and Tony's Wedding
- Visit Linda in California
- Be fit for when I go to Japan
- Get a Girlfriend
- Buy my buddy an erotic massage.
Much Love,
Josh
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Confused, sad, and scared
Before I get started into why my post title is what it is....
I just started limiting my internet/fun time to a max of 2 hours a workday and 4 on the weekend. I ended up waking up in the middle of the night and using 1.5 hours of my day. Since this is therapeutic and I'm not going throughout the internet to just scan stuff and find interesting things, I won't count this. Weighed myself after work yesterday at 219.2. Still making progress but it did slow down because of my lack of willpower. I saw that my friend is back on the NoFap challenge and can really see a difference. Got a kitten on Monday. His name is Shiro(Japanese for white even though he isn't white lol). Got the title information I need for my car like I said I would. Got the high mount brake light which has been out for like 8 months. I need to have my resume finished by Friday because I have Saturday and Sunday off and I have plans on Sunday.
Alright, enough with the daily stuff...why am I confused sad and scared...
I woke up in the middle of the night after having a dream of the woman I fell in love with. I decided to send her a text that I had a dream about her and thought about going back to sleep. After a little bit I sent her a text about my love for her. Its no small thing for me. I knew she was seeing someone, but I am honest with her even if we haven't been talking too much lately. I decided to go back to sleep after spending some time on the internet. Talked to some random woman on facebook and she asked if she or the girl I was in love with was prettier. I immediately responded that Cinderella was prettier. She was like ok bye. I dont' care, I was just bored and she was someone to talk to. Right as I am laying down I get a text from Cinderella...she just broke up with her boyfriend. You may think "Yay" but thats not what was going through my head at all. I responded that I would listen if she needed to talk and she said "No thank you". Ugh I know she wants some time to get herself worked out of this emotional turmoil. Her Heart was breaking and even though I had dreamed of this, I never realized how bad I would hurt from the pain she is in. I still hurt and I talked to my sister I said what can I do to help her? She said "Nothing". So now I sit back and pray to God that she gets through this. I don't know how hard it must me to lose a person who you have been so close to. He wasn't grown up for her or more importantly for himself, and even though she still has some growing, she is working on it. We all have to grow up. We aren't perfect, we just have to realize it and keep at working it.
So now I am confused. I want to do something to help alleviate her pain, but I honestly can't. It hurts that I can't help her through this time, but she will get through it without my help. That's the kind of woman she is. It makes me proud of her and her willpower. I am sad that I can't be there for her, but she'll get through this, as she has everything else in her life.
Now the big part. The reason I am scared. Why did she break up with him? Was she just tired of him? Did she find someone better? Did he cheat on her? I don't know. I hope she is doing this for herself; because he is a dead weight in her life, emotionally and spiritually. He is the type of guy who rides the guilt trip on people and she has said she feels she owed it to him to stay with him. She previously said that she would break up with him in 2 years if he didn't grow up. It hasn't been 2 years. Did she realize what he was and make this huge step? I don't know, all though I suspect this is the case. The biggest reason I am scared....
I'm not the MAN she needs. I want to be. I am striving to be a great man and she is a huge motivation for me. (Not the whole reason, because I have to do this for myself first and foremost, but she is inspiration for me). If I'm not the man she needs, will she find another man in the years to come? Her boyfriend was a rogue safety net I guess. He was a guy who wasn't good for her. She outshines him as a person in so many ways. I had him as a rogue safety net...because if he didn't grow up, I had time to improve myself. If he did grow up...well at least I'd know. Now I have no idea about anything. All of my safety nets are gone. She is in a hurt place right now. I wish I knew what to do. I'll post this and if she reads it...I hope she realizes that I am not happy that she broke up with him, quite the opposite. The biggest reason that I am hurting... is I can't stand she is hurting. I'm powerless over that situation. I can't help her.
I just started limiting my internet/fun time to a max of 2 hours a workday and 4 on the weekend. I ended up waking up in the middle of the night and using 1.5 hours of my day. Since this is therapeutic and I'm not going throughout the internet to just scan stuff and find interesting things, I won't count this. Weighed myself after work yesterday at 219.2. Still making progress but it did slow down because of my lack of willpower. I saw that my friend is back on the NoFap challenge and can really see a difference. Got a kitten on Monday. His name is Shiro(Japanese for white even though he isn't white lol). Got the title information I need for my car like I said I would. Got the high mount brake light which has been out for like 8 months. I need to have my resume finished by Friday because I have Saturday and Sunday off and I have plans on Sunday.
Alright, enough with the daily stuff...why am I confused sad and scared...
I woke up in the middle of the night after having a dream of the woman I fell in love with. I decided to send her a text that I had a dream about her and thought about going back to sleep. After a little bit I sent her a text about my love for her. Its no small thing for me. I knew she was seeing someone, but I am honest with her even if we haven't been talking too much lately. I decided to go back to sleep after spending some time on the internet. Talked to some random woman on facebook and she asked if she or the girl I was in love with was prettier. I immediately responded that Cinderella was prettier. She was like ok bye. I dont' care, I was just bored and she was someone to talk to. Right as I am laying down I get a text from Cinderella...she just broke up with her boyfriend. You may think "Yay" but thats not what was going through my head at all. I responded that I would listen if she needed to talk and she said "No thank you". Ugh I know she wants some time to get herself worked out of this emotional turmoil. Her Heart was breaking and even though I had dreamed of this, I never realized how bad I would hurt from the pain she is in. I still hurt and I talked to my sister I said what can I do to help her? She said "Nothing". So now I sit back and pray to God that she gets through this. I don't know how hard it must me to lose a person who you have been so close to. He wasn't grown up for her or more importantly for himself, and even though she still has some growing, she is working on it. We all have to grow up. We aren't perfect, we just have to realize it and keep at working it.
So now I am confused. I want to do something to help alleviate her pain, but I honestly can't. It hurts that I can't help her through this time, but she will get through it without my help. That's the kind of woman she is. It makes me proud of her and her willpower. I am sad that I can't be there for her, but she'll get through this, as she has everything else in her life.
Now the big part. The reason I am scared. Why did she break up with him? Was she just tired of him? Did she find someone better? Did he cheat on her? I don't know. I hope she is doing this for herself; because he is a dead weight in her life, emotionally and spiritually. He is the type of guy who rides the guilt trip on people and she has said she feels she owed it to him to stay with him. She previously said that she would break up with him in 2 years if he didn't grow up. It hasn't been 2 years. Did she realize what he was and make this huge step? I don't know, all though I suspect this is the case. The biggest reason I am scared....
I'm not the MAN she needs. I want to be. I am striving to be a great man and she is a huge motivation for me. (Not the whole reason, because I have to do this for myself first and foremost, but she is inspiration for me). If I'm not the man she needs, will she find another man in the years to come? Her boyfriend was a rogue safety net I guess. He was a guy who wasn't good for her. She outshines him as a person in so many ways. I had him as a rogue safety net...because if he didn't grow up, I had time to improve myself. If he did grow up...well at least I'd know. Now I have no idea about anything. All of my safety nets are gone. She is in a hurt place right now. I wish I knew what to do. I'll post this and if she reads it...I hope she realizes that I am not happy that she broke up with him, quite the opposite. The biggest reason that I am hurting... is I can't stand she is hurting. I'm powerless over that situation. I can't help her.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Boring night messed up again lol
So I was supposed to go on a date last night, she bailed. I'm not concerned about that, however because I didn't have a backup plan I ended up doing nothing. Nothing leads to either fapping or eating and I ate. Ugh. I probably went over my calories by around 100 or 200 however I didn't go over my fat or sugar so It wasn't a huge fail. I need to keep track of it better.
I've decided to start limiting my internet/entertainment usage to two hours a day and 4 hours on weekends. This will start tomorrow when I wake up. This goes for my phone as well. I had to quit bringing my phone to work because I was spending too much time on it. I'm thinking once I get used to only having 2 hours of fun time(that I deserve) I'll be able to bring my phone back to work and keep that tagged to my 2 hour usage. This should allow me to focus more on my fitness, keeping track of my calories, and taking care of my house responsibilities.
Today is W1D2 of my C25K program. I'm going to walk faster than last time, but my running hsould be the same pace.
Last time I weighed myself - 221.2(probably water weight as the night before I had around 80oz of water and 40oz of coffee and I don't think I peed all of it out. Not too worried, except my weightloss will be affected because of my overindulging. I'll keep track of it better now that I have removed some of my vices and am limiting them.
Also got the information I need to get the title of my car. I will mail it in tomorrow and hopefully they will give me a title. Need to find out how much that type of insurance(surety bond) will be~~not looking forward to having another bill, but I wasn't diligent and now I am paying, quite literally, for it.
I've decided to start limiting my internet/entertainment usage to two hours a day and 4 hours on weekends. This will start tomorrow when I wake up. This goes for my phone as well. I had to quit bringing my phone to work because I was spending too much time on it. I'm thinking once I get used to only having 2 hours of fun time(that I deserve) I'll be able to bring my phone back to work and keep that tagged to my 2 hour usage. This should allow me to focus more on my fitness, keeping track of my calories, and taking care of my house responsibilities.
Today is W1D2 of my C25K program. I'm going to walk faster than last time, but my running hsould be the same pace.
Last time I weighed myself - 221.2(probably water weight as the night before I had around 80oz of water and 40oz of coffee and I don't think I peed all of it out. Not too worried, except my weightloss will be affected because of my overindulging. I'll keep track of it better now that I have removed some of my vices and am limiting them.
Also got the information I need to get the title of my car. I will mail it in tomorrow and hopefully they will give me a title. Need to find out how much that type of insurance(surety bond) will be~~not looking forward to having another bill, but I wasn't diligent and now I am paying, quite literally, for it.
Saturday, June 09, 2012
Minor setback at work
So, I have been extremely good about watching what I eat, and not going over board. Last night I messed up on my lifestyle change in food consumption. I ate 2 eclair donuts. I ate 2 monster slim jims and I ate 2 regular slim jims. Before work I had 3 corndogs.
2 eclair donuts = 540ish calories + metric ton of sugar
2 monster slim jims = 480 calories + metric ton of fat
2 normal slim jims = 240 calories + fat fat fat
3 corndogs = 570 calories + fat and sugar
That equals to around 1700 calories. My daily limit is 1470. At least I was under my BMR(Basic Metabolic rate) of around 1900. Still over my fat and sugar
This is a learning experience and my brother gave some advice to eat an apple or banana after I run/work out within 30 minutes of finishing so that the hunger pains don't overload my common sense.
Good things come of bad things, just gotta learn what it is. I have, now to impliment it into daily life.
2 eclair donuts = 540ish calories + metric ton of sugar
2 monster slim jims = 480 calories + metric ton of fat
2 normal slim jims = 240 calories + fat fat fat
3 corndogs = 570 calories + fat and sugar
That equals to around 1700 calories. My daily limit is 1470. At least I was under my BMR(Basic Metabolic rate) of around 1900. Still over my fat and sugar
This is a learning experience and my brother gave some advice to eat an apple or banana after I run/work out within 30 minutes of finishing so that the hunger pains don't overload my common sense.
Good things come of bad things, just gotta learn what it is. I have, now to impliment it into daily life.
Friday, June 08, 2012
I started the first day of my couch to 5k program today. It consists of warming up for 5 minutes, then doing intervals of running for 60 seconds(jogging really) and walking for 90 seconds. I did this today and even though I have ran over 9 miles in a single stint during my marine days, today was a much bigger accomplishment. Tomorrow is a rest day for running but I have pushups to do. Last bit was painful and I had to muster everything I had to actually get out there and do it. Boy am I glad I did.
Week 1 Day 1 complete. Reddit.com/r/c25k
Week 1 Day 1 complete. Reddit.com/r/c25k
Endless novelty, delayed gratification, addictions
So, I sit here and I think to myself-"Why do I get addicted to things so easily? Be it games, porn, or women or food"
I've read an amazing book called "The Road Less Traveled" By Dr. M. Scott Peck.
This book was written in the early 70's and outlines the problems with our society pretty much to the T. He goes into detail about how we are constantly looking for instant gratification, and goes on to describe why delayed gratification is healthier and better for you.
My male mind craves endless novelty(new things). Its the basic animal part of my brain that tells me to sleep with as many women as possible and make as many babies as possible. The problem with this part of our brain is it applies to other things besides women. Video games provide this endless supply of novelty as well as porn and social media outlets. A lot of these things provide that high we crave for either novelty or instant gratification. Women are notoriously bad for posting hundreds of pictures on their facebook page to try and garner attention from men, and men spend hours watching porn and playing video games. All of these things are instant gratification and endless novelty. We become addicted to it and it warps and conditions our brain to accept that this is the way life is. These are all addictions based around those 2 concepts of instant gratification and endless novelty. This is the source of our lazy generation.
We are overloading our brains with this feeling of gratification when we HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING. Yes it is fun, but how can I expect to accomplish anything if I sit on my ass and only enjoy sitting on my ass?
I am writing this blog for 2 reasons. The first is so that I have a way to look back on my life and compare myself to where I was at then and the second reason is because I have a friend that knows about it, and I can get my thoughts down better on here and relay them to him. I know he doesn't agree with what I have to say, but I am trying to give him my perspective and not just let him stay in his own comfort zone. He has made amazing improvements on bettering himself(and getting out of his comfort zone), as have I, but I don't want his negativity to delay or stop his progress as a man.
Back onto the major topic of instant gratification vs delayed gratification. We get the same high through both of them, but the former has no lasting high as we haven't accomplished much and the latter has an extended high where we can look back on the accomplishment and still feel proud of what we have done.
The best part of delayed gratification is that you have actually done something. This gives our social needs the much needed boost when people notice and comment on how we are doing. When you focus on the delayed gratification aspect of life, you become a productive member of society(as long as you are actually doing something semi-productive).
I just woke up and if you give a shit about my grammar or my inability to adhere to a coherent train of thought, then too bad.
I've read an amazing book called "The Road Less Traveled" By Dr. M. Scott Peck.
This book was written in the early 70's and outlines the problems with our society pretty much to the T. He goes into detail about how we are constantly looking for instant gratification, and goes on to describe why delayed gratification is healthier and better for you.
My male mind craves endless novelty(new things). Its the basic animal part of my brain that tells me to sleep with as many women as possible and make as many babies as possible. The problem with this part of our brain is it applies to other things besides women. Video games provide this endless supply of novelty as well as porn and social media outlets. A lot of these things provide that high we crave for either novelty or instant gratification. Women are notoriously bad for posting hundreds of pictures on their facebook page to try and garner attention from men, and men spend hours watching porn and playing video games. All of these things are instant gratification and endless novelty. We become addicted to it and it warps and conditions our brain to accept that this is the way life is. These are all addictions based around those 2 concepts of instant gratification and endless novelty. This is the source of our lazy generation.
We are overloading our brains with this feeling of gratification when we HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING. Yes it is fun, but how can I expect to accomplish anything if I sit on my ass and only enjoy sitting on my ass?
I am writing this blog for 2 reasons. The first is so that I have a way to look back on my life and compare myself to where I was at then and the second reason is because I have a friend that knows about it, and I can get my thoughts down better on here and relay them to him. I know he doesn't agree with what I have to say, but I am trying to give him my perspective and not just let him stay in his own comfort zone. He has made amazing improvements on bettering himself(and getting out of his comfort zone), as have I, but I don't want his negativity to delay or stop his progress as a man.
Back onto the major topic of instant gratification vs delayed gratification. We get the same high through both of them, but the former has no lasting high as we haven't accomplished much and the latter has an extended high where we can look back on the accomplishment and still feel proud of what we have done.
The best part of delayed gratification is that you have actually done something. This gives our social needs the much needed boost when people notice and comment on how we are doing. When you focus on the delayed gratification aspect of life, you become a productive member of society(as long as you are actually doing something semi-productive).
I just woke up and if you give a shit about my grammar or my inability to adhere to a coherent train of thought, then too bad.
Thursday, June 07, 2012
The Pheonix is reborn.
So, 7 years since my last post. That's pretty crazy. My life didn't go anywhere really until the last month and a half. I'll update for now as opposed to catching up on the last 7 years of my life.
First off, I gained 70 pounds after getting out of the Marines and was jobless for the past year and a half. I started talking to a girl who needed a shoulder and I was that for her. She inadvertently made me realize a lot of things about myself. She told me she wanted to be a stay at home mom. I don't care what anyone thinks in regards to this, but it really hit home for me. This is what I want for a wife. And how can I do this if I am not A. Financially stable B. Emotionally Stable. C. Healthy D. Morally stable. So I made a decision 40 days ago to make a change in my life. I started to focus on my diet and started a thing called nofap which basically entails that you don't masturbate. She has supported me throughout and she is realistically everything that I would want in a woman. So I fell in love. Its been rough as she doesn't return the feelings and more than likely doesn't want to return the feelings. She loves me like a friend, and its nice but I won't let it end there, I'll give it a go and try and meet up with her one day, and be everything she needs, just as she has been everything I need now. Since I started 40 days ago, I have lost 26.8 pounds from a start of 246.8(220.0 currently). I have gotten a job, albeit a low pay job. I have started my resume for a good paying job and I, for the first time in my life, have started setting goals.
My short term goals.
A. Get a good paying job for the long term.
B. Exercise and get up to 3.2 miles in 2 monthes
C. Do pushups and get to 100 in 2 monthes(without breaks)
D. Be at 180 pounds by December 21st
E. Have enough money to go to a friends wedding then.
My slightly longer term goals
A. Go on a date with the girl.
B. Get down to 160ish pounds with a four or six pack.(April 29th, 2013)
C. Have a house by the time I am 28(25 right now)
D. Finish College.
End Goals
A. Be a true man, in every since of the word.
B. Marry and have kids.
C. Work
Thats me for now. Who knows where life will lead me? I do.
First off, I gained 70 pounds after getting out of the Marines and was jobless for the past year and a half. I started talking to a girl who needed a shoulder and I was that for her. She inadvertently made me realize a lot of things about myself. She told me she wanted to be a stay at home mom. I don't care what anyone thinks in regards to this, but it really hit home for me. This is what I want for a wife. And how can I do this if I am not A. Financially stable B. Emotionally Stable. C. Healthy D. Morally stable. So I made a decision 40 days ago to make a change in my life. I started to focus on my diet and started a thing called nofap which basically entails that you don't masturbate. She has supported me throughout and she is realistically everything that I would want in a woman. So I fell in love. Its been rough as she doesn't return the feelings and more than likely doesn't want to return the feelings. She loves me like a friend, and its nice but I won't let it end there, I'll give it a go and try and meet up with her one day, and be everything she needs, just as she has been everything I need now. Since I started 40 days ago, I have lost 26.8 pounds from a start of 246.8(220.0 currently). I have gotten a job, albeit a low pay job. I have started my resume for a good paying job and I, for the first time in my life, have started setting goals.
My short term goals.
A. Get a good paying job for the long term.
B. Exercise and get up to 3.2 miles in 2 monthes
C. Do pushups and get to 100 in 2 monthes(without breaks)
D. Be at 180 pounds by December 21st
E. Have enough money to go to a friends wedding then.
My slightly longer term goals
A. Go on a date with the girl.
B. Get down to 160ish pounds with a four or six pack.(April 29th, 2013)
C. Have a house by the time I am 28(25 right now)
D. Finish College.
End Goals
A. Be a true man, in every since of the word.
B. Marry and have kids.
C. Work
Thats me for now. Who knows where life will lead me? I do.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)